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Level 2 Melancholy
Ranked as Civilian
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****PLEASE READ THE ENTIRE STORY, IT"S NOT GOING TO END THE WAY YOU THINK IT WILL****
I have wanted to speak out about some things that had haunted my past, but never felt the need to tell others because what I have to say will make others feel as if I am denouncing their life style. I am not, what I have to say is completely based on my experiences and I need everyone to know your entitled to your opinion and I am being 100% honest with you.
So here's how it goes....when I was 6 years old there use to be a bully that would beat me up on occasion he was a fat kid named Triston who was in the second grade. I knew him from instructors Erick's karate class and he took the same bus to and from school so I had to be around him constantly. one day he called me to the back of the bus and made me sit by the window so I couldn't escape and stuck his hand down my pants and told me I was going to be his girlfriend from now on. I had no idea what gay meant he told me it was something you do with a friend but it didn't matter he was bigger than me so I couldn't do anything even if I wanted. That went on for two years an hour in the morning to school and an hour back he would molest me. Then I found out what homosexuality when I heard my mom talking about it I felt ashamed but even at that young age I knew it wasn't my fault.
so life went on as it does, I went to middle school did band and I remember seeing instructor Erick at parades. I would shake his hand ask him how he was every time I saw him. I love my family, I love my art teacher and I loved him. I didn't even know he was gay until I saw him on the news, he had molested a kid who was in his karate class. That's when I lost it, how could someone I had loved so much and trusted could do such a godless thing my mind wasn't strong enough to handle the pain. I didn't trust anything anymore It had felt as if something evil was in my mind clawing the inside trying to escape. My parents are divorced so and my mom remarried so naturally I got in fights with my step dad, it was so bad we had to go to therapy but I didn't care nothing mattered anymore I constantly thought of killing myself. then summer started, late 8th grade, and I had to go to mexico to visit my family. I hadn't been there for 7 years and I couldn't speak Spanish, I absolutely hated it everything was dirty, the people where racist, they would call me grenudo and other names the only good thing was that I had my DS. so time weant by I had been there for a month and was almost time for me to go home when my dad got a phone call, my mom found out I had broken into my step dads office. she told my dad to teach me a lesson by making me work in the fields with him. That was the last straw, I hated my mother and the next day my dad woke me up early in the morning and we took the horse out to the field. he gave me a pick axe and told me to help Tona, my half brother, clean the rabbit cage. It was enfenced so I mas constantly bending over and I threw on heave of the axe into the layers of just rabbit shit and I vomited. The stench of moist rabbit shit was to much but I had to keep doing it I didn't want to disappoint my father and if I didn't my 8 year old half brother tona would have to. that's all I did that day and I was swamped. The next day I woke up early again and my muscles were aching, keep in mind I was just a sheltered white boy, never had to work a day in my life and we weant out again and my dad had brought two pumps for pesticide we had to fumigate his field. its about a football field long and a little wider. Im farther south than Mexico City so it rains every day and the mud it like clay and torn up by a tractor so it was hard enough to walk and the pump I had filled with water weighed about 90 lbs. By the time we finished I was laughing at how exaughsted we where because we finally finished but we weren't done. He told me we had to his other field to do the same,it was twice as big. I got half way threw before I collapsed, I couldn't take it anymore all of it the shit at home and the mental pain was to much the rope had tore up my skinand when I fell down the top came off of my pump and some of the liquid had fell on my shoulders I was wearing a shirt but it stung to no end and I threw the pump as far as I could. My father saw me do it and came over beating with his hat cussing at me because I could've broken the pump and then he saw me crying. he went silent, mexico had broke me I wasn't worth anything any more I was only entitled to the earth that I had buried my face in. He told me to go wait for my brothers. When they came they saw me crying and asked my dad what happened, they cant speak English, and tona walked up to me and told me its ok in broken English, but it wasn't I hated it all I walked home thinking how I was going to kill myself when I got hame but when my brothers didn't follow me I realized what happened. Tona, my 8 year old brother was going to finish the work I couldn't do without me even asking him because as my brother he helped me in my time of need when I could ask nothing of my other brother in the united states and I found myself crying again in the agony of it all of all that had happened to me yet I found hope within all this chaos and it was the place that I hated so much that I once thought was only a filthy racist prison and I felt ashamed of how ignorant I was. But this was something I could believe in something that I could hold close without fear of disappointment. I went home took a shower and went to the machinas (Arcade) and then the Puto's walked in which is what the other kids called them, I felt them watching me and then one of them grabbed my ass and all the horrible memories came back of triston. I snapped I turned around and was about to smash his nose into his face but then I saw his fear. He didn't know he couldn't possibly understand my plight just like me when I was little, I let him go and walked home that's the only reason why I don't Hate homosexuals.
The rest of the month went by and I finally went home to start school and I was happy , mexico saved my life and I was a freshman and in class 6th period I would try to fit mexico into every conversation icouldn't keep it to myself everyone had to know, AND ALL I GOT BACK FROM THESE SHELTERED KIDS WAS RACIST SHIT. they thought it was funny they told cheap Mexican jokes and I fell silent luckily it was the end of school I had to walk home that day and a fire grew in my belly a never ending hatred for sheltered kids that threatened to consume me. I hated them so much because they reminded me of myself before and how ignorant of the world I was so the first thing I did was get rid of all my white friends and for those I had to be around I put on a fake face but that's not good enough now, I need others to know where all this hate comes from in need others to know that shit like this happens, I need you to understand that what we don't know will rule our fate and I don't need you to like what I say I just need you to understand the whole picture that's all I ask. Because in truth im not going to live here for the rest of my life and the ironic thing to tell you the truth is that through all of this, through all of the things that have happened to me I still find myself thanking god that I grew up with such a white mother or I would never be able to see both sides clearly. It's because of this that I ask those who fall upon the description of who I was before to look past the ideals of your own home and to look at the big picture no matter how painful or harsh it may become because even if it doesn't make since to you even if you hate me with a deep passion that I could never understand I cant live with myself if I do nothing and only sit back to watch how things unfold for if god forbid these events some how repeat for another poor soul in this world for the lack of effort I have put, I would be consumed by a deep hatred for myself and would no longer have any will to live. Which is why I speak....which is why its so important because it happened to me and all that I can do is possibly tell others in hope that the leave with an open mind but its not enough for just one person to speak for change....it requires many and I need your help.
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Total Medals Earned: 85 (From 15 different games.)